Soul searching beach days

Hello lovely blog oh mine.  I’ve missed you.  You’ve been wondering where I’ve been, I’m sure.  I’m still blogging lots just not here.  My mind has been buzzing with so much lately.  I’ve needed this space many times in the last couple of months but getting here has been harder to do than I thought.  I’m back.

What’s kept me away?  So much.

1.  At the heart of my absence is my decision not return to my corporate job at the end of  my maternity leave.  Originally, my plans had been to take the summer off and return to work now in September.  But with the birth of a child comes intense perspective into the rest of your life.  My heart is not in corporate America; it never has been and never will be.  I want to spend my time doing something I love, something I can be proud of, something meaningful to me.  I want to live life on purpose, making conscious choices; all so I can teach my daughters by example what is possible in their lives.

My hubby and I have been talking about it all summer.  We’ve talked and talked and talked and at the end of the day we both agree I need to be happy.  God bless him for understanding how important it is to be happy and thank goodness for his support.  Until I figure out exactly what it is I want to be doing, I’ll be working part-time at my favorite maternity shop teaching little ones.  I believe everything happens for a reason & what question you put out to the universe will be answered in due time.  While I was contemplating leaving corporate America, the opportunity presented itself to take on this part time gig so I jumped at it.

This is a new journey for me and I’m excited and nervous and curious.  You’ll be hearing a lot about my journey.

2.  I’ve written before about my grandpa and how much I love him.  It has been interesting growing my own family with him so many miles away.  This summer my godmother, who lived 20 minutes away from him, moved 2 hours away to settle into retirement.  In my heart I’ve always known I could never bear the idea of him being alone so my husband and I have asked him to move closer to us.  We’re in a one level condo so he can’t move in with us but we’re on the hunt for appropriate housing for him.  He doesn’t need assistance which is great but there are a lot of factors we have to consider.  While this has weighed the least on me this summer in terms of decision making, it has weighed heaviest on me in terms of logistics.  There are so many things to consider and plan for that I feel overwhelmed by it a lot.  But I keep in mind how wonderful it will be to see my grandfather spend time with my daughters on a regular basis and I get all warm and fuzzy and teary eyed and know this is the right decision.

3.  My girls have been growing and blossoming and just  being and I’ve been in absolute awe.  Motherhood has just taken me by storm this summer.  First, Farrah arrived and rocked our world.  She had terrible gas issues and the first month and half, almost two months, were spent figuring out how to help her get the gas out.  It wasn’t until shortly before she turned 3 months that we could truly enjoy her and get to know her personality.  And then there’s Dessa, oh my Dessa.  She’s such a little lady and so opinionated and full of life.  I spend most days enjoying her so much I can’t do much else.  I can barely distract myself to do other things that need to get done because I don’t want to miss anything.  I don’t want to miss a new look or a new word or sentence or a new dance move or sweet, kind gesture.  And then there’s being with the two girls together which is too much sometimes – interacting, communicating in their own little way.  Farrah mesmerized in the most intense way with her sister; she watches her with so much intensity and joy it’s the sweetest.  Dessa know so much without ever having to be told – she knows this little baby can’t yet play like she can so she’s gentle and restrains her excitement and eagerness to hold her hands and spin round and round.  Ay, these girls will be the end of me.  I love them.  Yes, I’ve been busy loving my girls so I’ve neglected this little piece of my life.

Those are the things consuming me and keeping me away.  One and two were much more consuming before but now they’re more than just in me but out in the world and happening so it’s a sigh of relief.  Life is no longer on hold.  I’ve got plans for you, little blog, and lots of life to write about.  Thanks for waiting so patiently.  Goodnight…

Believe it or not, I’ve been working on this here blog tirelessly since Farrah was born.  You may not necessarily have the posts to prove it but I’ve got the bags under my eyes to show for it.  I’ve been posting regularly at my other blogging gigs but have held back here.  I needed to regroup and remember again why I started blogging and what this space is for.  How else to get inspired and clear vision?  Read some blogs.

I came across this which had me going, “OMG! Me, too! Me, too!”  It’s all about how blogs are like the magazine obsessions young teenage girls have (I was so one of them).  How you pile up your favorites in a corner so you can go back to that one great picture or one great quote.  How your tastes change and you move from Cosmo and Seventeen to Real Simple and Cookie.  I dreamed of being a magazine editor one day but I really didn’t know what an editor was.  I just wanted to be part of creating something amazing and inspiring.

No, I do not fool myself into thinking this little ole blog is so grand as to amaze and inspire anyone.  But I do feel it is my place to share myself with you and as a forget me not to myself.  It’s a place to maybe inspire myself.  I spent a lot of time writing about my VBAC but now that my vagina is on hiatus from posting, I’m ready to get back to Mama Hearts Baby, to get back to me.

In regrouping, I’ve come up with some fun stuff for the blog I hope you’ll like.  Mondays will regularly feature a mami (Latina mom) active online.  Since I started this blog I have been searching for Latinas to connect with and while there are directories out there and links galore, no one has started the conversation.  Thursdays will welcome a new little diddy – Parenting Toolblox where I’ll share what tools or practices have worked for me, what current parenting issue I need input on and, hopefully, you will share your amazing parent wisdom with me.  Somehow overnight Dessa has entered the “terrible twos” so I’m eager to get as much feedback as possible!  A few more things are in store but you’ll see them as they come.

And here is your bonus.  I saw this last night for the first time and was laughing out loud. This guy is great and he’s totally sold me on the Slap Chop. Best part? You’ll love his nuts!

It’s Saturday night so I’m continuing my posting mini-break over the weekend while I put some finishing touches on the site and write several posts for my other blogs.  Until then, lovelies =)

1. I would have hoop earrings permanently installed into my earlobes but it would be a problem the two to three times a year I’m in the mood for a good little stud.
2. I live in the Ocean State but wasn’t entirely sold on staying put until this last summer and the amazing times we had at the beaches.
3. I am originally from the Garden State and still consider it home.  I’m trying to figure out if it’s ok to let Dessa call it home, too.
4. I’m a vegetarian but often crave a Wendy’s number 7 plain with sweet and sour sauce (craving it right now, actually).
5. I have a daughter, Dessa, who is unbelievably gorgeous and I’m not quite sure how that happened (the gorgeous part, I know how she got here).
6. I’m married to Jeremy, my college sweetheart.  He rocks.
7. As I am writing this, I realize that I have to number it now or else I’ll never know when to stop…doh! I have my moments.
8. I love the sound of fall leaves crunching under my feet.
9. I am oddly obsessed with social media. Tweet, tweet!
10. I have giant bunions and Jeremy makes fun of my feet constantly, calling them Bernstein Bear feet (I don’t remember their feet but apparently they were bunion-ous).
11. I speak Spanish fluently; it was my first language.  Be very amazed, I have no accent.
12. I am Cuban and Filipino- ethnically both, culturally Cuban.
13. In college, I spent many, many a night ironing my hair with an actual iron.  Pin straight is an understatement.
14. I work a 9-5 in a cubicle for corporate America in the insurance industry.
15. Lost is the best show ever.
16. Beverly Hills 90210 was the best show ever.  I’m getting all seasons on DVD so Dessa and I can watch them together (even if she doesn’t like it…she must watch the Brenda years!)
17. I’ll watch anything JLo is in, listen to anything she puts out, read any article about her and I’ll even buy her clothes.  I love Jenny from the Block.
18. I missed the Grey’s Anatomy boat.
19. I’m not a cat person but we own a cat and she’s the best cat ever – aloof enough and cuddly enough.
20. In grade school, kids called me “Jesse”, as in Uncle Jesse from Full House because I had such poufy hair.
21. I wanted to be Alyssa Milano growing up; Samantha Micelli is still the coolest.  I even watched her on Charmed.
22. Speaking of Charmed, I always wished I were a witch.  Not the cackling, wart-y type but the mystical powers kind.
23. I’ve never bought my own car; I’ve always been lucky enough to have hand me downs.
24. I used to help my godmother feed her sheep on her farm.
25. I had a cow named after me once; it probably ended up in a burger somewhere.
26. I desperately wanted to be on MTV’s The Real World.  I auditioned and never heard back.
27. I never went on crazy spring break trips.  I don’t know yet if I regret not going.  I always had fun staying behind.
28. I once put bright red highlights in my jet black hair.
29. My secret ambition was to be an actress.
30. I can’t sing to save my life which is why my first ambition of being a singer got knocked out of the running.
31. I wore braces and later a retainer, luckily it was all before high school.  Thanks to my parents for such good planning.
32. I have giant boobs and they’ve been there since about 8th grade and they only keep getting bigger.
33. I had a flat butt until I had my daughter; now it’s got a slight, ever so slight umph to it (or so I like to tell myself).
34. I heart raunchy, cheesy hip hop music ala R. Kelly and Silk (freak me, baby, oh yeah).
35. I’m an open door bathroom person and it drives my husband crazy.
36. I am convinced that if I ever were to give birth to a baby boy that I would somehow make him gay.  I know you don’t “make” anyone anything they’re not already but I’m a girl’s girl and no zilch about boys.
37. My wedding ring is my favorite piece of jewelry.
38. My second is a John Hardy ring purchased in Vegas while on my honeymoon.  If I had a dollar for every compliment I’ve ever gotten on that one, I’d be rich.
39. I LOVE to moisturize. I could spend countless hours spreading on lotion or creme or body butter – you name it and I’ll slather it on.
40. It took me 18 years to master my hair.  Now after becoming a mom, my hair has decided to switch things up so I’m back to square one.
41. I hate people without manners.  They get under my skin and I just want to yell at them sometimes.
42. I wear contacts by day, glasses by night.  I’m pretty blind, so much so that I don’t trust myself to cross the street without my contacts or glasses on.
43. I could spend hours in Barnes & Noble (except of course when J is following me around asking if I’m done).
44. I drink 4 Klean Kanteens worth of water at work during the week  (gracias Poland Springs!) but on the weekends barely one of those suckers.
45. We just got a rabbit and I love it.  It cracks me up that it has an actual happy dance – it literally jumps off the walls!
46. I’m a breastfeeding mama and I’ll let me kids self-wean.
47. I have an inner cyst on my back which has a little hole that you can see in plain sight.  It freaks my husband out but I think it’s pretty cool.
48. At number 48, I’m actually a bit worried I won’t have enough stuff to entertain readers to 100!
49. I’m not entirely religious but I do believe in a higher being, life force, energy thing at work.  I respect it and don’t mess with it.  You get what you give.
50. The Cubana in me also believes in ghosts, spirits and the dead.  We’re never alone!
51. Requirements for a dream home: in ground pool, garage,  master suite with jacuzzi tub and separate shower and massive finished basement for partying.  I’m a simple girl.
52. I played the piano for 3 years and then never went back.  I don’t remember a thing.
53. I took formal dance classes from the time I was 6 until I was 18.  It’s in my blood and I looooooooove it.  Dessa will take dance lessons no matter what.
54. When I buy make-up, I always buy shades that are too light.  I have self-perception issues.  J always has to correct me and tell me “Hellooooooo, you’re brown!”
55. I have a terrible memory.
56. I love to declutter.  Give me a garbage bag and I’ll run around the house throwing anything in sight out.  Less is more!
57. I love movies.  I could stay in a movie theater for days.
58. I’ve already decided for my kids – they’re all going away to school.  Nothing beats that experience.  They can always come home, though, if it ain’t for them.
59. I love 80s freestyle music but it’s so hard to find outside of the Tri-State.  Spring Love?  Love Letter?  Maria, the girl was from the projects she had long brown hair and a body beyond compare. She had a boyfriend – a drug dealer…LMAO!
60. I like to sing along to songs but I never actually know the words.  My friends in college tortured me over this!
61. When not pregnant, I love wine.  No really L-O-V-E wine.
62. I’m a great driver, like I said I’m from NJ.  However, I did hit a giant rock in our parking lot once that blew out our tire.
63. I’m deathly afraid of bugs.
64. I hate wearing big coats in winter.  I usually freeze a little because I hate them so much.
65. I hate socks.
66. I was on the diving team in high school for a whopping 4 months.
67. I love to shop.  Even if I don’t buy a thing, it calms me and makes me happy.
68. I would outfit our entire home in Ikea gear.
69. I want a house badly when I remember that I really REALLY want a dog.
70. I hate little dogs; they’re just not me.  We’re thinking we’ll get a Bernese Mountain Dog or Newfoundland.
71. I went snorkeling once in my life in St. Maarten.  I caught glimpse of a black spikey thing and freaked out and headed for shore.  Haven’t done it since.
72. I won’t go on a cruise.  Something about mother nature and open water for so many days irks me.
73. I can’t drive stick.  My hubby tried to teach me and I just didn’t get it.
74. I’m a social jitterbug but my favorite place to be is home.
75. I love hot yoga; I’m convinced it could cure anything!
76. I’m not a collector but wish I was.
77. I was a philosophy major in college. It’s one of the best choices I ever made, changed my life.
78. Talents I wish I was even a little bit good at: graphic design, photography, cooking and housekeeping.
79. I read parenting books like I’m going to get a degree.  I can’t imagine just winging it.
80. I’m a romantic; I melt over flowers, notes and fluff.
81. I love everyone but only like a special few.
82. I voted for Obama.
83. I have no rhythm but I can fake it really well.
84. In my teens and early twenties, I had killer calves.  I say it without shame because I worked hard to get them.  Unfortunately, I didn’t have to do much to lose them!
85. After I’m done having babies, I have dreams of getting into killer shape.  Since I know my body can make babies, I figure there’s not much it can’t do, right?  I’m gonna push it to the limit
86. I believe that infants are the purest joy in the world and need to be treated with great care and respect.
87. I’m not allergic to anything, though I do get seasonal allergies now in my old age.
88. I went to an all girls Catholic high school.  I’m not a lesbian.  I loved the uniforms.
89. These are some of my favorite TV shows I wish I could watch over and over again: Picket Fences, Sisters, Profiler, Just the Ten of Us, Tiny Toons, Who’s The Boss, Saved By The Bell.
90. I can’t do a handstand.
91. I want my children to be independent and confident.
92. I’ve actually used a paper parasol in broad day light in Boston to protect myself from the sun.
93. I’m a morning person.  I wake up disgustingly chipper and don’t drink coffee.
94. I’m a magazine whore. 
95. My wedding day was everything I pictured it to be! From the dress to the flowers to the location to the groom – I loved it all.
96. I can turn myself into a pretzel (maybe not right now while pregnant but most other times).
97. I have a tendency to roll my eyes, not so discreetly, when I’m annoyed or getting impatient. 
98. I want to expose our daughter to more Cuban culture so I’ve told my husband we need to plan a trip to Miami.
99. I’m terrible at keeping in touch but always hold friends close to my heart.
100. I have no tatoos but one day I hope to get one.  My belly button is pierced, though.

She melts me, chocolate on her lips and all

I’m in denial sometimes that Dessa is no longer a little baby.  I still call her the baby and want to cradle her in my arms.  I forget she can do more than I know.  Then today I was getting ready to leave the house and she was just patiently waiting, watching me.  I looked over and she was so damn tall!  Just like this little lady person, it blows me away.

It makes me sad but excited.  The sadness only lasts about a millisecond then I’m excited at the world we’ll get to explore together.  I get excited about how much I have yet to learn about her.  I get excited about all the ways she’ll grow that will amaze me.  She’s already grown so much and amazed me with her development.  I mean every parent knows their kid grows up and learns to walk and talk and communicate but until you experience it, you don’t really know.

She’s at this great point right now where we totally get one another.  If she wants something she’ll point or take me to it.  She wants more, she’ll ask for it.  Water, demands it.  She doesn’t like something, there’s no guessing; she let’s me know.  If I need something in the other room, I can ask her to get it for me and she’ll know exactly what I’m asking for.  I also love the person she is with others.  She is cautious but social and happy and gentle.  She listens to conversations and loves to give her two cents.  She loves to laugh, a good gut belly laugh.  She loves to dance and demands music to be on all the time.  She tends to our cat (more than J or I sometimes) and is concerned all the time with her needs (if it were up to her she’d feed the cat ever hour).

I get excited, too, about the fact that we’ll have another little infant in the house.  I have my concerns about how they’ll get along but they’re distant and not something I worry about.  I’m just glad to know there will be another itty bitty newborn to hold.  I can’t even wrap my mind around how much my heart will ache when I see my two little girls together.  Shit, it’s aching a little bit right now.

Dessa is 18 months already.  I don’t know where the time went but I know it was well spent.  I’ll take a lesson from these 18 months, savor it all.  Everyone says time flies and sure you get it when you have a baby but still it is incredible how true those words are.  Today’s a sappy day for me, a day where I’m willing to look and really see who my daughter is and who she’s becoming.  Sigh, deep, deep sigh and achey heart, a warm, happy achey hearty today.

The new year is 3.5 short hours away.  I’m cuddled on my couch flipping through channels while Dessa is in dreamland.  The snow storm is killer outside with some really loud, gusty winds.  J is at work, texting cute little messages throughout the night.  This is new year’s eve for me these days.  I’m pretty sure last year was pretty similar.  I was driving home from work today and thought how much my life has changed.  A few years ago, I would have been mad at the snow for trying to ruin whatever intoxicating party lay ahead, contemplating how I’m going to trudge through the snow in high heels.  Now, at the sign of a single snowflake I’m jumping for joy!  How life changes.  No complaints, though, I’m grateful for the ways my life has changed.

I want to bid farewell to 2008 with some of things I am most grateful for this year.  I’ll think about resolutions and new beginnings tomorrow.

• I am grateful for Dessa who every day grows kinder and sweeter.  She brought hope and joy to everyday this year.
• I am grateful for my husband.  This year especially I got to witness him being such a wonderful father that I melted a little bit everytime I saw them together.
• I am grateful for the opportunities that have come my way.  I changed my attitude and started giving out to the world the energy that I hoped to receive and things are working out just fine.
• I am grateful for our country for making the decision to elect a president that will change the course of history.  I am grateful to this country for giving my children the opportunity to grow up knowing President Barack Obama.
• I am grateful for family and friends who have supported us in countless ways through some of the tough times this year.
• I am grateful to have been able to get pregnant this year after my miscarrige.
• I am grateful for new and unexpected friends who remind me that the world gives you what you need when you need it, you just have to open your eyes.  I’m also still in awe of the power of social media to bring together so many moms & other liked minded people who genuinely want to support one another.
• I am grateful for my cat who never stops loving us even though Dessa has stolen a lot of the affection we once showed her.
• I am sooooooooo grateful to live in the Ocean State.  Those are words I thought I’d never utter but this summer showed me the magic of this little state and it’s beautiful beaches.

It was a good year =)