best. picture. ever. ever.

Oh, Little One.

You just woke up, well “woke up” as you often do – hazy, still really asleep, crawling with eyes closed across the bed towards your sister.  It’s a sweet little nighttime ritual you do, your random faux wakings – more a stirring than a waking.  I swooped in before you could wake your sister and nestled you in my arm, your head in that sweet little spot in my elbow.  Your eyes drifted, open, close, open, close.  You weren’t really awake but you knew I was there.

I realized then we never lie together, hanging out.  I realized how night and day you and your sister are.  Your baby girl sister was a cuddler.  She’d wake up from a nap or a long night’s sleep and we’d lie in bed – gazing at each other, giggling, rolling about.  We’d spoon, oh how we’d spoon.  She’d fall asleep in my arms; I’d fall asleep in hers.

You, my dear, have never liked to spoon.  And I try, oh how I try, you squirmy little thing.  You fall asleep in my arms kinda but in my lap and as soon as you realize you’re not lying in bed you arch your little back and slither your way out of my arms onto the bed.  It’s quite the maneuver.  You’re impressive like that.

You little ladies are night and day, so incredibly different from one another.  As a mother, it amazes me  how alike but wildly different you are.  Your sister from the moment she was born has been a mirror for me.  I have seen myself so much in her.  I know her.  She is me.  And I’m not talking that she imitates everything I do or that she has my mannerisms but in my heart I see my spirit in her.  Her days as a baby were magical; I knew what she needed – it was instinctive and natural, sometimes still soul shocking to see so much of yourself in someone so tiny, so new.

You, sweet girl, are not me and from day one I have had to discover motherhood all over again.  I have had to explore and learn who you are.  I have had to work at understanding your needs.  I have had to work to know you.  You surprised me, baby.  I thought I had it all figured out but you’ve kept me on my toes.  Mothering you has been like treasure hunting without really knowing what it is I am looking for which makes the treasure that much more exciting.

Thank you for tonight, for that little moment to hold you while you slept.  It reminded me that indeed you are night and day, you and your sister, but always you’ll be my babies.  Together you ladies will teach me more about me than I know there is.  You will teach me to grow and love and be in marvelous unexpected ways.

Thanks.

Via myyorgda

A random night of tucking babes in, kitchen cleaning and massive stomach upset.  The cure for the latter?  Stillness on the couch with some good reads.  I stumbled across this ode and my heart quivers.  It is sadness and joy and inspiration.  It is sisterhood.

It reminds me of how I want my girls, this sisterhood I’ve birthed, to be filled with magic.  I hope their love today is a glimmer of what’s to come.  They are besties.  They make each other laugh, good laughs, deep in the belly chuckle type laughs.  They care and worry and comfort.  They kiss and hug and tackle, big love coming from their tiny little bodies.  I want magic for them; I want the magic of their sisterhood now to last forever.

As if I hadn’t shed enough tears for that piece of poetry, I was led here and here and more tears ensued.  On this random night, I’m reminded to cherish, live and be kind.

Birthday Brunch

I wrote this post the night of my daughter’s 2nd birthday. I drafted it and never posted it, probably too exhausted to think straight.  This blog has been seriously neglected but I’m surfacing slowly from the world of diapers, spit up and insane gas (baby’s not mine) and it has felt good to write again.  More to come soon…

Today was my baby girl’s second birthday; she had an amazing day that left her exhausted – in a great I-lived-life-to-the-maxest-max today kind of way exhausted.  Instead of any grand fete, we opted to fill her day with her favorite people and favorite activities.  We started it with brunch with her grandparents, great-grandma and uncle.  She even got to sneak some chococalte chip cookies in before her scrambled eggs were ready.  Then we set out for the beach to spend time with her favorite cousins.  It was heaven.

And as much as this day was hers, I realized I needed it as much as she did.  Sometimes in the hustle and bustle of having a new baby and juggling two kiddos with my husband, you kind of lose sight.  Not of anything particular but of everything.  Life gets into this blur, not in a terrible way, but just a blur.  You forget the the big picture.

On the beach today, watching Dessa dig her hands deep into the sand, laughing with friends, swaying with Farrah in the salty breeze, stealing kisses from my husband with the ocean waves crashing in the background, I caught a glimpse of us from the outside looking in.  I saw what other people saw when they glanced over at our little mish moshed piece of beach real estate.  I saw a family reveling in the hectic world built by two little ones.  I felt like a family.  I saw us as a family.

Farrah's 1st Trip to the Beach

I saw us doing the family dance.  Handing baby from mama to papa.  Taking turns chasing our curious toddler.  Bouncing a baby on one shoulder while sharing a laugh with family.  Sneaking a kiss with my husband while a cousin shares a beach blanket with our tot, newborn groggy on my shoulder.  Answering tot questions while waving at papa in the surf.  Sniffing a diapered bum taking a whiff of surf and sunscreen, summer.

With our new little one here and still surfacing from the newborn-ness of it all, it sometimes feels a lot like just getting things done.  I know from Dessa that quickly, almost already, we’ll be out of the newborn haze and into a routine, a pattern, our family rhythm.  We’re getting there slowly, operating on a bit more sleep and less, almost no colic.  I’m grateful for today.  It’s getting filed away with those moments I don’t want to lose, the moments that remind me why.

Happy Birthday, Baby Girl, and thank you for today.

Take this evening when I was putting Dessa to bed.  Our routine is pretty basic and starts with dinner – eat, vacuum, bathe, lotion, 3 books and then finally some mama milk to get to sleep.  Tonight I coaxed Dessa into letting me untangle her tresses by letting her comb my hair.  It was by far one of the sweetest moments I’ve had with her – mind you we have moments I label “the sweetest” about every other second but that doesn’t matter.  She snuggled up close to me, cheek on my cheek and swayed with me as we combed each other’s hair.  My heart melted.

I recognized in that second that never before had I felt that way – simple, love, giggly, mushy, tender, alive – more than those things really and all at once.  Motherhood has done that many times, made me feel a new emotion I can’t quite put my finger on.  It’s usually a unique combination of things and it overwhelms; I try to hold each emotion tight and pray I’ll experience it again.  But also in that moment I realized how this new daughter of mine is already so different from her big sister.  I believe a great deal in the connection that exists between pregnant moms and their babes in utero.  Babies make their homes inside their mothers and they are always connected, not just literally but emotionally.

So when I had this moment with Dessa I became aware of our newest family member is currently living in a very different house than Dessa did when she was in my belly.  I’m a completely different person now than I was in my first pregnancy.  Physically my body has changed and emotionally I have opened up new parts of myself I didn’t know existed.  I love more, differently and in ways I could never have imagined.  When our little girl arrives, she’ll have some intuitive memory (or so I’m convinced) of the emotions we shared while she was in utero.  And so many of those emotions are new to me.  Dessa experienced mami BC – before children.  Sure I was emotional and all but in a way that does not compare to how your emotions grow once you’ve become a parent.

I don’t think it means anything incredible or earth shattering but it just astounds me that already these two girls are looking at the world with unique perspectives.  I can’t wait to meet this little girl.  I can’t wait for Dessa to meet her.  I can’t wait to witness them together.  So much waiting, so much anticipation.  So little sleep, though, as it’s 2am and I’m sitting up in bed with the glow of my laptop shining while Jeremy and Dessa snooze.  I think it’s time to go to bed and get one day closer to her arrival.  ‘Night =)

I am now officially in the home stretch.  I don’t know how everyone else defines the home stretch but for me it starts when I have to start going to my midwife every two weeks.  All of a sudden there’s no way I can lose sight of how close my “due” date is and it’s consuming just about every thought.  I had an appointment on Tuesday and next week I will be scheduling our hospital visit along with our natural childbirth class at our local maternity store.  After thinking about, avoiding and then obsessing over my birth plan, I’ve written it down, signed it and have it ready to go.

My preferences don’t differ that much from last time.  The main difference is that I am not as laid back about the possibility of using pain medication.  With my first birth plan, I stated that I wanted to try and have a natural birth but would not rule out the use of an epidural.  I also did not make certain that the important players (aside from my husband and doctor) had read it.  So the language is more definite and DH will be making sure before we interact with anyone that they’re clear on our plan.  With Dessa, I read this book which was very, very helpful – almost a birth education class and a guide to creating a birth plan all in one.  This time around I read Ricki Lake and Abby Epstein’s book and it was an appropriate refresher – not as detailed as the first book but just enough.

As I was writing this birth plan, I realized I wasn’t as into it as I was the first time around.  I think what’s happened is that I’m not empowering my birth plan like I did last time.  I’m empowering myself.  With my first pregnancy, I believed my birth plan was my cheerleader, my bodyguard, my advocate.  I truly believed everyone read it.  I trusted it too much.  I somehow convinced myself it had some kind of power.  This time around I realize it’s just a piece of paper.  My husband and my midwife and I are on the same page.  We will work as a team to make my labor what I want it to be.  My heart isn’t in the birth plan like it was the last time.  My head is writing it.

So without further ado (insert drumroll):

The following items are my preferences for my labor.  Should any complications arise which threaten the health of me or my baby, then at that time I am open to discussing the options available to me to make an informed decision.

Goal: Labor naturally and birth my baby vaginally without medical interventions.

Pain Management: I plan to use a combination of self-hypnosis (Hypnobabies), deep breathing, accupressure and a variety of laboring positions.  I do not wish to have an epidural.  Please do not offer one to me. If I make the decision to opt for anesthetic pain management, I will request it.

Labor Support: I would like my husband to stay with me at all times.  No interns/apprentices, or others in training, should enter the birth room without explicit permission.  We reserve the right to ask anyone out of the room at any time.

Labor Room: If available I’d like a room with access to a shower and/or whirlpool to assist in managing labor discomfort.  I would like the lights dimmed and request anyone who needs to speak to me to use a soft voice.  If I am in the middle of a birthing wave, please be patient while I manage my discomfort.  When the birthing wave is over, then I will be able to address your questions.

IVs: I understand because I am working towards a vaginal birth after a c-section an IV line must be inserted.  I’d like to request a Hep-Lock.  I’d like to only use an IV if a medical emergency requires it (dehydration or administration of medicine).  I will bring my own fluids and nourishment.

EFM: I am aware of the hospital policy for VBAC patients which requires EFM.  I wish to move about as much as possible despite the need for an EFM.

I’m 31 weeks now and nearing my time to leave work.  While I should be really excited to have the entire summer off with my girls, lately I’ve been a little down and out about it.  See I’m one of those moms who LOVES maternity leave.  I’m in no rush to get back to the office or grown up interaction or routine.  I love more than anything spending time with my babies.

The reason I get to upset over my maternity leave is because it has to come to an end.  During my maternity leave with Dessa, I discovered the mother in me.  Thanks to 3 months off from work I was able to really pay attention to and learn how to respond to her needs.  I discovered a patience I didn’t know I was capable of.  I gained an amazing amount of confidence in my skills as a mom.

Going back to work when Dessa was just 3 months old was no easy task but as is my nature I sucked it up and did what had to be done.  Not a second still goes by now that I don’t wish I were home.  However, now that I’ll be home with two little ones and eventually have to leave them to return to work, I’m dreading the whole maternity leave/work situation more than anything.

I think it’s such a cruel joke to play on a new mother – here take some time off, have a little taste of how great life could be if you could focus on your family, enjoy a bit of disillusionment of what parenting is really like.  Then – WHAM – go back to work and try to figure it all out again from scratch with eight less hours in your day to focus on your family.

I have been marveling lately at how mothers do it who have more than one child and are able to work full time outside the home.  I know it’s totally feasible but I don’t know if my heart will be in it after two.  And by that I mean if my heart will be able to go through the everyday motions to get back to work knowing my two babies are home without me.

Don’t get me wrong.  I am fortunate to have a great job that allows my family the flexibility to eliminate the need for childcare.  And I am completely aware of the the hardships many are going through during these tough economic times so just bear with my whining.  At the end of the day my issue is I still think my place is with my family.  I know I’m getting ahead of myself and should probably worry about these things after I actually have a baby but it’s been weighing heavy on my mind.

If you have more than one little one at home and you work outside of the home, I’d love to know how you do it.  It’s just so tough for me to wrap my brain around it.  And heck, even if you work at home I know it must be challenging so I guess I’m asking for any kind of insight from a working mom with two or more babes in her life.

I always knew I wanted children but I was never clear what my journey there would be like.  In my teens and early twenties, I believed I’d live a fun and exciting life and hit 30 single and alone.  I had settled in my mind to make 30 my breaking point and if there was no man in my life, I’d wrangle a good guy friend into bed or adopt my own little baby.  I was naive and a. was terribly mistaken to think 30 was “late in life” and b. had completely over-glamorized single motherhood (coupled parenthood isn’t that glamorous, fun and wonderful but certainly there’s no glamour involved).

I got lucky to meet Jeremy in college and fall in love with a man who had as strong a desire as I did to have children.  We knew the second we were hitched it was baby making time for us and our daughter was born just in time to celebrate our first wedding anniversary.  When I was pregnant, I freaked about the possibility of having a boy.  I knew that boy or girl we’d be happy and excited but I was nervous because I’m a girl’s girl and know zilch about raising boys.  I even confided in my hubby to dreading that I might turn a little boy gay (I know we’re born how we’re born but I was convinced my girlish ways could make a kid pull a switcheroo…just leave it to pregnancy hormones diluting my intelligence).

I discovered during my pregnancy that my husband was not a macho type guy who was determined to get a mini-me.  He was overjoyed that we were having a daughter and admitted he was hoping it would be a girl.

Reading this post from a fellow Cubana made me realize how lucky I am to witness my husband and daughter together.  I don’t know what it’s like to watch a man with his son but a man and his daughter is just something words cannot describe.  As a father to a little girl, I am seeing traits in my husband I had not known before.  We’re pregnant now with daughter number two and he couldn’t be happier.  Sure he’s the outdoorsy, camping type who loves to play with cars and rough house with his brother and explain scientific things that bore me to pieces but he could care less if we ever have a boy.

I’m not ruling out a go for number 3 or suggesting a boy would ever disappoint us but I’m just beaming over what a wonderful experience it is to be a woman and watch my husband be an incredible father to our daughter.  He is for her all the things my abuelo, the male figure in my life,  is to me – strong yet gentle, funny, full of knowledge, loving, adventurous, devoted.  Me and my daughters are a lucky, lucky bunch to have gotten Jeremy all to ourselves.  Lucky indeed.

Thanks, Carrie, for reminding me to be so grateful.

Our conversation made me question if I was too quick to sing their praises.  I sat down to read the pamphlet over again to make sure I hadn’t missed any subliminal messages about the evils of breastfeeding.  Really, I just wanted to see if I had read the material too lightly and if, indeed, this campaign is just a way to draw mothers to formula.  After reading through the pamphlet I jotted down the positive points on breastfeeding below:

• They suggest asking your doctor or attending nurses for assistance in locating a lactation consultant.
• Remind moms that different positions work for different stages; it’s not one size fits all forever.
• Advise to let the baby determine how much time to spend at the breast not the clock.
• State that no additional food/nutrition is required if you are breastfeeding.
• Say that breastfeeding will assist in weight loss after baby (not sure this is true for everyone but if we’re looking for positive statements that might encourage moms to BF, then surely this will be a good point for some moms).
• The formula portion of the pamphlet doesn’t make any presumptions about why a mother would not be able to breastfeed.

After reading through it again, I still believe it’s a positive step.  I didn’t pin point any negative or round about way of suggesting to moms that breastfeeding isn’t the way to go.  It’s information similar to what you find in mainstream pregnancy books.  Like @Blacktating I realize that these books are not the best books out there; the thing is that they are the books most women pick up to read when they’re pregnant.  I understand where @Blacktating is coming from – ideally breastfeeding companies would be mailing out informational and supportive literature and maybe even breastpumps.  However, the reality is that organizations focused on breastfeeding don’t always have the marketing dollars to compete with formula company campaigns like Strong Moms.  It also may not be the route they want to take to convince moms breast is best.

I also don’t think that you can convince a mom to breastfeed by only giving her breastfeeding information.  I liken it to telling kids not to have sex until marriage and only teach them abstinence education – it doesn’t take into account the reality of what’s taking place.  I know first hand that there are different kinds of moms -

• Moms like myself who are adamant about breastfeeding.  We’ll do it no matter what and may even be breastfeeding into toddlerhood.
• Moms on the fence – not dead set on either breast or formula.  They’re willing to wait and see how it goes.  Nothing lost if boob doesn’t work out.
• Moms who know before they’ve given birth they don’t want anyone drinking from their boob.  They stock up on formula way before their due date.

I’m the first kind of mom and all of my friends have been in the middle category.  I watched them approach breastfeeding with a positive outlook then each encountered their own set of difficulties – pain, discomfort, a weird ickiness about the process, frustration, impatience, exhaustion.  For some people these are not valid excuses for not bresatfeeding.  However, taking the attachment parenting perspective of taking what works for you, they made the decision that at the end of the day made them better mothers.  While I think breastfeeding is best, I never persuaded them away from their choices.  I offered advice to make sure they had good information and resources but in the end, breast was not for them.

From knowing these women, I also know that a hardcore breast only campaign would not have made them become a cheerleader for breastfeeding.  Not providing them with any information wouldn’t be fair.  Which is why I’m still ok with Similac sending out their samples with breastfeeding info.

What are your thoughts?  Do you think the formula companies are wrong in sharing breastfeeding information?  What is the best way to make breastfeeding go mainstream in our culture?

Tonight while we were flipping through I remembered how much I loved looking at old photo albums from when I was a baby.  I found them fascinating.  Each picture told a story of a time in my history I couldn’t remember.  I would ask my parents over and over again to tell me what was going on in each picture.  Who was who and what was what.  What happened right before.  What happened immediately after.  What did I say.  What did I do.  They’d give me answers sometimes but I don’t think they understood how much I loved to know.

I got teary thinking that I was going to be able to capture so much of Dessa’s life for her to look at one day.  She will one day ask me to tell her the who and what and how and why of her history.  I feel so overwhelmed by that and wish I were a scrapbooker or something to that affect.  I’m overwhelmed but honored at the same time – I get to bear witness to her whole life – past, present and future.  I’m her historian.  Oh, my chest is heavy with the responsibility but joyous at the same time.

I need ideas on how to capture her life for her.  What do you do chronicle the lives of your little ones?

She melts me, chocolate on her lips and all

I’m in denial sometimes that Dessa is no longer a little baby.  I still call her the baby and want to cradle her in my arms.  I forget she can do more than I know.  Then today I was getting ready to leave the house and she was just patiently waiting, watching me.  I looked over and she was so damn tall!  Just like this little lady person, it blows me away.

It makes me sad but excited.  The sadness only lasts about a millisecond then I’m excited at the world we’ll get to explore together.  I get excited about how much I have yet to learn about her.  I get excited about all the ways she’ll grow that will amaze me.  She’s already grown so much and amazed me with her development.  I mean every parent knows their kid grows up and learns to walk and talk and communicate but until you experience it, you don’t really know.

She’s at this great point right now where we totally get one another.  If she wants something she’ll point or take me to it.  She wants more, she’ll ask for it.  Water, demands it.  She doesn’t like something, there’s no guessing; she let’s me know.  If I need something in the other room, I can ask her to get it for me and she’ll know exactly what I’m asking for.  I also love the person she is with others.  She is cautious but social and happy and gentle.  She listens to conversations and loves to give her two cents.  She loves to laugh, a good gut belly laugh.  She loves to dance and demands music to be on all the time.  She tends to our cat (more than J or I sometimes) and is concerned all the time with her needs (if it were up to her she’d feed the cat ever hour).

I get excited, too, about the fact that we’ll have another little infant in the house.  I have my concerns about how they’ll get along but they’re distant and not something I worry about.  I’m just glad to know there will be another itty bitty newborn to hold.  I can’t even wrap my mind around how much my heart will ache when I see my two little girls together.  Shit, it’s aching a little bit right now.

Dessa is 18 months already.  I don’t know where the time went but I know it was well spent.  I’ll take a lesson from these 18 months, savor it all.  Everyone says time flies and sure you get it when you have a baby but still it is incredible how true those words are.  Today’s a sappy day for me, a day where I’m willing to look and really see who my daughter is and who she’s becoming.  Sigh, deep, deep sigh and achey heart, a warm, happy achey hearty today.