I know it’s the 4th of July and I should put up something festive and all patriot and such but really I just can’t stop myself from soaking in the fun we had this afternoon at the playground.  Our oldest is not in any kind of preschool so her interaction with kids is limited to playdates (few and far between, we’re shitty parents, I know, and we’re working on it) and random encounters in public places often frequented by kids (usually the playground but also places like the zoo, children’s museum, Chipotle in the early evening, etc.).

So today we were in the playground and a group of kids came running to play.  They looked like they could all be siblings or maybe cousins or just really good neighborly friends.  As is her usual response to a large crowd of kids, D watched for a long time.  She asked lots of questions – Who are they?  Why are they here?  Why’d they take their shoes off?  Can they play here (in “her” playground)?  She watched for so long that I tired of pushing the swing and started to utter a 2 minute warning about our departure.  She told me we couldn’t leave because she had to play on every last piece of playground equipment.

We made a dash over to the other kids and she made her way up the ladder to the slide.  I chatted with her the entire time (I’m a chatty one and thank goodness my daughter is as well).  The kids overheard us and since we speak in Spanish with one another they asked what language we were speaking.  I told them Spanish.  They asked if she could speak English and I said yes.  They said cool.  COOL!  Be still my soaring heart.   D smiled at them and engaged them in some conversation about having them join her to play.  They each had a little something to say about the bilingual thing.  One little boy told me he only knew how to say “gracias”.  Another little girl said she only knew how to speak English.  An older boy wanted to know how she was able to learn two languages.  They were interested, impressed, curious, kind, sweet.  They made my baby girl feel special not different.

I can’t explain the feelings inside when the kids were asking questions.  I hadn’t realized I was so something about how other kids would react to my daughters being bilingual.  I realized I’d worked it up in my head in the same way I’d worked myself up about how I’d approach the “Where are you from?” question once I had children of my own.  It was new territory today.  Wanting to be protective yet open and inviting.  Wanting to speak confidently but cautiously.  Educating proudly without boring the kids to death with my excitement.

It’s not that I think all kids are mean but I know kids can be cruel.  Even good kids can be cruel without meaning to be.  For instance, I will never forget the day a boy I’d just met told me not to worry because I could just marry a white man like my godmother (I was there with my godmother and her husband).  I don’t think I was even a teenager, maybe just 11 or so.  I wasn’t mad or sad but just confused and astonished someone my own age would say something like that.  So, being a Latina mom who happens to not look mainstream Latina, I have spent many hours contemplating what my little melting pot daughters will face.  My girls will encounter questions and comments I never had to worry about.  I grew up in a place where you were the odd man out if you didn’t speak Spanish.  Cubans were everywhere.  Let me repeat, EVERYWHERE!  Here my girls will be in the minority.  Our experience today encourages me to believe my girls will juggle their bicultural/bilingual identity just fine in our little New England home.

Thank you, little ones on the playground today, you made this mami very happy.

Little girl, little lady – I love you.  You are my breath and my life.  With each passing day you astound me.  You are Nancy Drew curious and ask me the sweetest questions.  Today we found a fallen nest and you asked, with concern in your eyes, where the birds had gone.  You wanted to know if they’d build another home.  Yesterday while celebrating your birthday with friends, you stopped mid-play to thank our friend Alicia for joining you to celebrate your birthday.  You love to put your hands on your hips and tilt your half-straight, half-curly head to one side.  You hold you sister’s hand when it’s dangerous for her to walk alone, even when she cries she wants to do it herself.

Yes, I want to stop time but I’m having so much fun watching you blossom more and more into yourself.  I love you more each day.  Thank you for the past three years and thank you for tomorrow, all of it…you will light it bright, fill it with laughter and lots of sass.  Happy Birthday, Mama!

Photo via hellosputnik

A couple of nights ago, in the wee hours of the middle of the night (3:30am to be precise, the fire alarm went off in our condo complex.  It’s always a quick walk down memory lane, bringing me back to the days of college dorm life except now it’s not drunken coeds setting  off alarms (I’d tell you here who is setting them off nowadays but we never seem to find out who the culprit is).   We bundled up the girls and made our way downstairs but luckily ran into a firefighter before we faced the cold.  Our hero in uniform kindly informed us there was no real emergency and to head back home.  Thankfully the girls went right back to sleep without a fuss but I was up in bed for another hour.  This is what was running through my mind:

-When the alarm went off I didn’t scurry to take a ton of prized possessions with me.  Jeremy took Dessa and I took Farrah.  I paused for a split second to put on my wedding ring and we were out the door.  There isn’t one other single thing in our home I’d care to take with me.  Well, my giant diaper bag/purse came with me, too, but only out of necessity (cell phone, credit cards, cash, etc.) and it was right by the door.  Made me wonder why we have so much shit in our house if the only thing I care about is my wedding ring?  I think it may be time to do some spring cleaning.

-Random fact about me: I don’t sleep in PJs.  Not in the nude but not entirely dressed.  While the fire alarm rang, I wasted a few precious seconds throwing what was within arm’s reach – sweatpants from the dirty laundry and my nursing tank.  I covered up my stylish outfit with a big coat and giant, furry winter boots.  I know, quite the sight.  And, yes, I know how I look doesn’t matter for didley squat but that split second putting on dirty sweatpants could have meant life or death.  Note to self: invest in some cute PJs.

-If there really had been a fire, any and all pictures we’ve ever taken of our daughters would be gone.  G-O-N-E.  Sure we’d have photos other folks have taken but none of the moments we’ve chosen to capture.  It might seem insignificant to some people but it makes my heart hurt a little to think the possibility exists my girlies would have no pictures of their baby days.  Each picture is a story, a moment in their lives.  I’m feeling super guilty I haven’t done anything to carefully store our photos.  Add to the to do list – back up photos – ASAP!

-We’ve lived in our condo for 5 years now and this was the first time my husband willingly left the house.  Every time the fire alarm has gone off, he is confident it’s a false alarm.  Me?  No way.  I’ve left every single time.  There have even been plenty of times when I left him sleeping in bed and walked outside (not without encouraging him to leave first).  Not sure why but this time he rolled with it.  But he’s not the point.  Whenever I’ve gone outside for a fire alarm, I rarely run into anyone.  Outside I might find half a dozen neighbors but not nearly enough to fill the building.  Does everyone just ignore the alarm?  Do they just not care?  I never chance it.  I ain’t going out like that!

-When the fire alarm went off, my husband and I got up right away.  Our girls kept on sleeping.  Soundly.  Not a stir.  Not a flinch.  It’s nothing new; any fire alarms we’ve had in the middle of the night has never woken up either of our girls.  It’s, well, alarming.  It reminded me of a special I saw on Dateline or some similar show which said young children don’t respond to the sound of a traditional fire alarm.  I’m not sure what the reasoning is but they’re just not wired to respond.  They will, however, respond to the sound of a human voice.  I’m not sure of the science of why children don’t respond but it has something to do with the state of sleep they are in.  Sad on two levels – for obvious reasons in the event of a real fire and because I think it means adults just don’t get to that stage of sleep as often.

So some questions for whoever might be reading.

• What items would you grab if your home were on fire?
• How do you sleep?  If the firemen arrive to find you on the sidewalk, what would you be wearing?
• How do you store your photos?  How many back up systems do you have?  Any word on Smug Mug?
• Why do you think so few people leave their home during fire alarms?

And with that, my dears, I’m off to enjoy this rainy, rainy Monday.

Tonight my 2 year old, for the first time noticing the moon through our kitchen window, asked in her sweet Spanglish, “Mira! Luna coming Dessa?”  She wanted to know if the moon was coming to visit her.  I told her yes, “Si, mama, la luna viene a ver a Dessa.”

I write it here because I don’t want to forget that question, ever.  I hope she keeps that feeling, that wonder, that joy in her heart always.  I hope I get to witness it and remind her of it when she needs reminding.

When she was still a tiny little one in my belly, I played Sade many a night.  One song always made me feel close to the growing person inside me.  Then later it mellowed me.  Funny how this song keeps haunting me.  This moment reminds me of The Sweetest Gift so again, enjoy.

Quietly while you were asleep
The moon and I were talking
I asked that she’d always keep you protected

She promised you her light
That you so gracefully carry
You bring your light and shine like morning

And then the wind pulls the clouds across the moon
Your light fills the darkest room
And I can see the miracle
That keeps us from falling

She promised all the sweetest gifts
That only the heaven’s could bestow
You bring your light and shine like morning

And as you so gracefully give
Her light as long as you live
I’ll always remember this moment

Listen.

Oh my sweet little baby, I just came from  your side.  Like every night, you woke up and called for me.  Not Papi or your grandmother you love so much or any cousin, friend or family you adore but me, Mami.  Every night, without fail you call for me, groggy…more asleep than awake, staring into the dark waiting for me to answer your call.  Like every other night, you wanted me by your side but more than that you wanted a nighttime snack.  I cozied up beside you, a slim bit of real estate between you and your sister’s co-sleeper contraption, and you whispered, “Cheche” your sweet version of leche.

You make the sweet sounds of a nursing baby and shut your eyes, drunk with sleep.  Tonight, though, you are sleeping and eating but you move – restless, looking for something.  I try to sneak away but you’ve latched on and aren’t letting go and really how can I refuse?  Because before I know it you won’t be in our bed anymore, you won’t need me, want me anymore…so I stay and watch you.

You throw a careless leg over my hip, your lips still on me, and your hands find comfy nooks and crannies to settle in, like pieces of a puzzle come home.  We fit so perfectly together and it’s amazing how even now, so far from those days in the womb and those days of infancy, being close to me…together…calms you.  I try to leave again and you stir…so I stop and relax into the moment and you melt back into me.  We lay there, fit perfectly together, your sister’s breath in the background, for what seems like forever…what I wish could be forever.

I pull myself away eventually and you are deep in sleep…back to dreaming of lazy beach days, puppies and ice cream.  My heart wonders how many more moments like these we will have.  You are so little still but at the same time so big…I don’t know where the time has gone and it just keeps moving so quickly forward.  I miss the baby in you…but at the same time am so eager to continue getting to know the person you are becoming…witnessing you unfold more into yourself.  It’s so much at once, overwhelming…to love you so intensely.

What brought about all this sentimalish?  This post with its sweet baby picture which reminded me of how quickly babies grow.  Since I read it, I’ve been trying to really see each moment these days…see and capture and store it in my heart because I know I won’t get them back.  My mantra these days…breathe, be and savor.  Enjoy your growing little ones…

I just got home from a fun filled day of lunch and the children’s museum with old college girlfriends and their kids.  I should rephrase that because these ladies were my bestest friends in college; the kind of friends whose lives I’ll always follow, even if just from a distance, and whose voices and stories I’ll never tire of hearing.  I came home and Dessa was beyond exhausted from all the fun she had.  While I was nursing her to sleep, I got so overwhelmed with how sweet a day it was I cried.

We live a lucky life where childcare isn’t a necessity.  We live in a condo without many little kids in it.  We have lots of cousins nearby but either we’re not close to them or they’re in their teens or beyond.  So Dessa spends a lot of time with adults.  She goes to swimming once a week and we have a toddler tumbling class once a week where she sees other kids her age.  However, nothing beats having her together with other kids for no reason other than so their moms can hang out.

She lit up when she saw the other kids.  She was amazed and completely entertained by them.  And the oldest, a sweet girl who I held the same day she was born 5 and a half years ago, was so gentle with Dessa and guided her everywhere.  Dessa was in heaven.  It’s something I don’t often get to witness and really that she doesn’t often get to do.

After lunch we went to the children’s museum and it was just Dessa and my friend’s son.  It is amazing how quickly and how sincerely children become attached to others.  There’s no game playing or guessing; they like you or they don’t.  They want to follow your every move or you just don’t matter.  Dessa was enthralled with my friend’s son.  She ran around calling for him whenever he was out of sight.  It was the sweetest of sweets.

After I nursed her to bed and cried a bit more, I realized how these are the quiet days before our lives change forever.  The last days of Dessa being the center of our lives, of being an only child.  I realized how precious today and the next several weeks will be.  I want to capture it and save it and never forget how amazing it has been to be her parent.  To shower her with everything we have, to take in her every breath and witness her becoming who she is.  As fate would have it, I paid a visit to Simple Mom who led me to a daily blog favorite of mine.  The post I linked to spoke to everything I’d just been feeling – needing urgently to capture a small, minute moment of a blessing so that one day I can remember it and treasure it and share it.

I’m so weepy tonight.  I realize so much is about to change and I wonder and worry that I’ll lose a part of Dessa I never got to know.  It’s a silly worry really because our lives are as they should be and that life is one where we grow our family by one this Spring.  But I can’t help but be a bit sad to lose the time I have with Dessa as I know it.  Our new little one is going to be a joy and to watch Dessa and her sister together is going to be something of a magnitude I cannot even fathom.  I seriously think my heart might burst and I might run out of joyous tears.

Today was a great little treasure of a day.  I’m going to hold it very, very tight to my heart.  One day I’ll share it with Dessa and I dare hope with the other children who were there.

Today I came home from Dessa’s tykes class to find a package waiting on my doorstep.  Usually I get excited for deliveries of any kind; it usually means something fun and exciting.  Well, when I got in the house and around to finally opening it up, I was pissed to find two sample containers of infant formula from Similac.  It’s part of their “Strong Moms” campaign with snazzy new designs, cool new containers and Ty Pennington smiling and being all BFF with moms.  I didn’t even bother reading anything they sent and fumed off to make dinner.

Now I’m a breastfeeding mami and I can’t sing its praises enough; it’s been an amazing experience I would never give up.  I feel strongly that all moms should make an effort to breastfeed.  Please note that I didn’t say all moms should breastfeed, but they should give it at least a fair shot.  I’m a firm believer and practitioner of attachment parenting and I also adopt their philosophy that each family needs to create a parenting style that works for them.  In that light, I believe each parent needs to make the choices that will allow them to be the best parents possible.  So for breastfeeding, I believe every mother should give it a fair shot then make the decision that will allow her to be the best mother possible.  For some it will mean exclusively breastfeeding while others will supplement with formula and still others will use breastmilk exclusively but integrate the use of a bottle.

So why does getting formula samples piss me off?  Well because I feel like women aren’t being given a fair shot at breastfeeding.  How are they going to believe that breastfeeding really is best if our culture continues to spend it’s marketing dollars on formula?  Well, as I started to cook dinner I was brainstorming ideas for a breastfeeding campaign to get the word to moms-to-be on breastfeeding practices.  I thought for sure the Similac pamphlet would give me plenty of formula favoring info so I went to check it out.

I sat down with their formula loving pamphlet and started reading.  The first section of their Strong Moms “The Art of Feeding” guide is about…breastfeeding!  Even though I saw the title of the section, I was super skeptical.  I thought for sure they’d give crappy advice and point women to supplement with formula.  But, um, I was wrong.  They offered up sound advice and never once suggested the use of formula.  By the time I finished, I was actually really happy about the Strong Moms campaign.

Without a lot of money available to organizations that advocate for breastfeeding, it’s refreshing to see a mainstream formula company stepping up to the plate and spreading the word about breastfeeding.  Their pamphlet is set up to guide new moms and moms to be through the various options that are available to them for feeding their little ones.  While I don’t think this is the perfect solution to making breastfeeding a normal part of our culture, it’s definitely a step in the right direction.

On Monday Momisms I share my bits of life advice for my kids.  I’d love to have you join me!  I’ll post every Monday in the morning and then you can link to your own Monday Momism post or leave a momism in the comments below.

Today’s Momisms-

• Learn to love to do things by yourself – a movie, a meal, shopping.
• Travel.  Travel.  Travel.
• When and if you decide to have children, practice patience every day.  It’ll be your best tool in parenting.

2009 is a big year for MamaHeartsBaby. Not only is the site getting a redesign but I’m taking the content to a whole new level! I’m going to be bringing you interviews with lots of interesting ladies in social media. I have a lot to learn and they have a lot of experience to share, I figured why not share it with my readers? 2009 is also the year of contests for MamaHeartsBaby. It’s time to give back to all the great readers =) Finally, I’ve got some exciting ideas I’m working on. They’re still in development so no big news yet but I can say it will involve gathering a lot of great bloggers right here for a timely discussion on social media.

By week’s end, the revamped MamaHeartsBaby will be up and running. Stay tuned for a great 2009!

Wishing all my readers a happy and joyous holiday!